25 Days to Oscar: Remember the Titan!

2010 is a historic year for the Academy Awards, because The Blind Side may be the worst film ever nominated for Best Picture.

It slipped in because the Best Picture field was senselessly widened to ten. This was done as phase 235 of an on-going, nation-wide campaign to make all facets of American culture more accesible to the incredibly stupid. Phase One was "No Child Left Behind." Phase 233 was Snookie from "The Jersey Shore."

Like the American highway system, the Academy widen its field to attract more traffic to the broadcast. While The Blind Side's inclusion is a result of filling 10 spots, it shouldn't be an excuse. In the years between 1932 (when the Academy started really structuring the category, then called Outstanding Production) and 1944, there were at least ten films, sometimes as many as thirteen, nominated. In 1939, the 10th and least likely nominee was probably Leo McCrary's A Love Affair. Never heard of it? You have. Unless you never heard of An Affari to Remember or Sleepless in Seattle. This film launched a million rom-coms, and somewhere, Reese Witherspoon and Edward Cullen are probably signed on to develop another. There are dozens of other examples of at least important, if not great, films rounding out the top ten.

Yet, The Blind Side is a cliched, over-produced, two hour foree into white benevolence (and there's no white benevolence like Southern white benevolence). It tells the real-life story of The Tuohey family, who find find, rescue and finance the "it takes a village" adoption and rearing of current Baltimore Ravens tackle Michael Oher. The film has almost no redeeming quality. Least of which is Sandra Bullock's Best Actress nominated portryal of Leigh Anne Tuohey. And, holy Gwenyth Paltrow, Bullock is the favorite. Her performance isn't even in the same ball park as fellow nominees, a pack touting, among others, Meryll Streep's spellbinding transformation into Julia Child, as well as newcomer Carey Mulligan's heart-breaking portrayal of lost youth in An Education.

I am unfamiliar with the real Leigh Anne Tuohey, and I understand that films must simplify characters. But, in Bullock's hands, Tuohey is a card-board cut out of out-of-touch white America. She's a sass talking, "in your face," putting you "in your place," no-nonsense, platitiude-spewing ("don't you lie to me"), Taco Bell product placing protagonist who takes in one Supreme-sized Gordita Crunch. She's pushy, strong and successful, but you guessed it, under her rough exterior is a heart of gold. And, guess what, the homeless boy helps her even more than she helps him.

Sigh.

Tuohey defends her black son with venom, occassionally heading over to "the other side of the tracks" to visit with crackhead moms and beguiling gang bangers. Here, we meet other black people, the only other ones in the film. All are messed up in some way. All are caricatures. All exist to make the rich white people seem superior in their benevolence. Oh, if only there were more like the Tuoheys.

More what? Football obsessed white people? In one particularly unbearable scene, Bullock marches onto the football field, and, armed with the knowledge that, while flunking math, science and language arts, Michael scored in the 98th percentile on a protective instincts test (Huh? What? Protective Instincts exam? Is this a Tennessee thing, because I have never heard of such a test. How is it administered? Do the proctors speak threateningly to koala bears? Hand students crying infants and leave? Incidentally, Michael also scored high in the Interpreting Bodily Urges and Sense of Direction exams). She explains that the "team is your family, Michael." Viola! He's great at football. Makes one wonder why she chose football and not quantum physics. "These telescopes are your family, Michael!"

Along the way, the movie provides the garden variety "something for everyone"-ness that comes standard with a holiday blockbuster. Bullock's dialogue borrows liberally from the Phillip Drummond guide to "stern looks and condescending combacks" Meanwhile, Quinton Aaron, as Michael, responds with dough-eyed, blinking insignificance. He is given no personality whatsoever and is singularly defined by his size and race. But that's the point, isn't it? The Tuoheys themselves are motivated by what Michael can become, not by what he is. If you want to watch a football meaning with something meaningful to say about racial inequality and social justice, rent Remember the Titans.  

Otherwise, my blind side was safe. I saw this one coming a mile away.

***NOTES***

Does Kathy Bates have a gambling problem? Because she has landed in some crap movies lately. This may be one of her worst.

Surprise! Tim McGraw is likable and poised as Bullock's laid back husband.