Movie of the Century

I was recently allowed the privilege of getting into a private showing of Disney's G-Force, through means I'm not at liberty to say. I was skeptical, as I'm sure you all are, at the time. Allow me to put any worries out of your mind; G-Force is possibly one of the best things to ever happen to the human race, or even still, the planet Earth. It's rare that a movie can bring a man to his knees in sheer awe of its greatness - rarer still, is that the same movie can cause one to howl with such hearty laughter, cry tears of unimaginable sadness, and to poop themselves a little bit. All before the opening credits finish.

It's certainly not a movie I'd recommend to everyone. There's just so much to grasp in the one short viewing that I cannot suggest seeing it without being prepared to analyze everything you thought you knew about everything. Your idea of reality will be put into question; black will become magenta, up will become downish and kind of toward the right a little bit, and you will never look at a gazelle the same way again. Indeed, after viewing this movie, you will be both a better and worse person for it.

No expense is spared throughout G-Force's twelve and a half hour time-span, offering a total of seven intermissions so that the audience can sit in silence and ponder about the universe, to question every choice they've ever made since their birth, and to finally accept Buddha into their lives. The film itself takes bold leaps in its daring attempts to escape both reality and time itself; to break barriers, and then put up new ones. One of the most touching and overwhelming scenes in this movie that really sticks out in my mind is the one in which Hurley, the orange-and-white spotted guinea pig, confesses his homosexuality and love for Agent Blaster. Upon viewing this movie I would have never thought I'd curl up into a folding seat and sob silently out of sheer tenderness and understanding for a tiny rodent-like creature - this movie changed that. This movie changed a lot of things in me.

To sum up my feelings towards this monolith of a film would be impossible. I cannot think of what words to choose even now as I write this. Kubrick, Kurosawa, Spielberg...it's as if they're nothing but children holding their first camcorder in comparison to this tour de force of film making. To say even that is belittling it; it's simply on an entirely different scale. And that scale is somewhere on Mars. And it's not even our Mars, it's like some Mars in the fifth dimension, just doing it's own thing.


Your savior has arrived, film enthusiasts, and its name is G-Force.